3.33. Let it be

Nikki woke up late. She was alone in the tent, but it didn't upset her. Nikki loved solitude, but still... It was weird she doesn't hear the voices of kids. Where could be they all? Nikki went outside. The day was sunny and warm, it was so good to feel the rays of sun on your skin again. Nikki smiled happily.

She turned around hoping to see her sons and daughters running around with other kids and how she was surprised when she realized that they aren't here. Nikki got scared. How could it be? Where are they all? Then suddenly she noticed a few cribs... She stood astonished and trying to understand what's going, her mind tried to find the right logical answer to her question and then Nikki remembered what Lakesha said her. She returned to the past... But perhaps she's in a dream? Nikki walked slowly towards the cribs hanging on the trees.

- Oh, my goddess... - she whispered looking at the babies. Her eyes filled with tears. - So it's not a dream... I really returned to the past.
Nikki gently touched every baby and smiled at them. She recognized her both twins Senia and Inara and her brother and Wenona's daughter Sihu. A mild thrill ran across her body.
- It's a sign... - Nikki said herself. - It's a very good sign... I can't ruin my life anymore. I promise your mom will be different, - she smiled picking up her daughter Senia. - Oh, how cute you are, my little one... - Nikki chuckled happily kissing baby's forehead.

She laid her daughter in the crib and picked up her other daughter Inara. Nikki looked long time and her daughter enjoying her. She felt happy that she's mother. Nikki thought she'll necessary have more kids with Tahatan. But will she have twin boys again or her nearest future will be different? Nikki didn't know it and it seemed like an interesting adventure and challenge to her.
- You, your sister and your father are most important to me, our tribe is most important to me, - she talked to her daughter rocking her slowly. - I'm glad I could come back to you...

Nikki cuddled her baby against herself and looked around. She smiled when she saw Kotori, Suletu and Wenona talking and laughing. Suletu was happy and she wasn't punished. Thinking about Suletu and Okomi Nikki thought that maybe this hope wasn't only for her, it was for them all.

Nikki kissed Inara and laid her in the crib. "Everything seems good, except my relationship with Tahatan", - she thought." - But I'll fix it, too",

Nikki went to play a horseshoe. It always helped her to focus on something important. Soon she noticed Maat and Kotori. Maat was pregnant. "So their son Chatan isn't born yet..." - Nikki looked at Maat and smiled. 

It was weird a bit to stand next to Kotori. Nikki remembered how she seduced him and what she did wanting to get him... She fell her eyes feeling ashamed and silently rejoiced that neither Kotori nor Maat can't remember it. They even didn't suspect that everything happened not at their own will. Nikki stood fearing to say something and just listeneed to Kotori and Maat.

Nikki knew she'll never do that again. Kotori isn't worth it. No matter how handsome and attractive he is... Now Nikki looked at him with different eyes.

Tahatan was the most important. Nikki knew she'll do anything for him, so when he came to Kotori Nikki rejoiced. It's her one more chance.
- May we talk, Tahatan? - Nikki's voice was warm and friendly.
Tahatan smiled at her.
- Sure...

They lay on the grass next to each other. They did it often before and it was so good to look at the clouds together again. They were still close... Nikki didn't want to lose Tahatan.

- What did you want to tell me, Nikki? - Tahatan asked her.
- Nothing special... - she smiled. - I just wanted to ask you to give me one more chance.
Tahatan gave a silent sigh.
- I know I hurt you... I understand how it's hard to trust me for you, but please... Let me prove you that I can be different, - Nikki turned her face to him.
Tahatan was still silent.
- I can't lose you... You mean me too much, you and our daughters. Let it be the last chance for me, please...
Tahatan smiled softly.
- And what I have to do with you, Nikki?
- Nothing. Just let me try one more time...
- Why?
- Why? - Nikki moved closer to Tahatan. - Because I am your moon and you are my sun. We can't exist without each other as darkness can't be without the light, Tahatan, - she looked deeply in his dark eyes.
Tahatan smiled and touched Nikki's hand.
- You are a wise woman, Nikki... Too wise and too beautiful...
- No... - Nikki shook her head. - I am not wise and I'll never get any wisdom if I'll lose you. Only being with you I can learn how to become better and learn a wisdom.
- Then let it be, Nikki... - Tahatan took her hand.
- Does it mean...? - Nikki looked questioning at her mate.
Tahatan didn't answer. He leaned and kissed her lips.

3.32. It hurts

Nikki found herself sitting at the fire. It was a deep night and it seemed the stars shone much brighter than ever. She's alive and she can breathe! Nikki laughed happily.

Was it a dream? No... It wasn't a dream and Nikki knew it very well. She was almost dead and she was in Spirits world where she met Lakesha.

- Lakesha... - Nikki said her teacher's name gently. - Thank you... I'll keep my promise to you... - she nodded looking around.

If even she couldn't see Lakesha, Nikki knew she watches her. But maybe Nikki is already dead and what she's seeing now it's just the last remembrances about her life in the Blessing Moon tribal camp? No, it can't be a dream. Wenona, her brother Noel and Kotori are too real for the world of dreams... It was so good to hear them talking and laughing. Nikki wanted to come to them and hug them all, but she didn't dare. She remained to kneel down by the fire and watched them from the distance. 

 "Where are others?" - she asked herself in her mind."- It's pretty late, so probably all are sleeping..." But nobody else she didn't want to see like Tahatan and her children. Perhaps it was the first time when Nikki felt how much strong she loves them all, how much she needs them... They were her world. It's sad she didn't realize it before. Nikki gave a deep sigh. But isn't she here for fixing her mistakes? Nikki rose to her feet and started to look around. Soon she noticed Tahatan running on treadmill. Tall, strong and muscular, his bronze skin shone of the bear fat in the dark. He was most handsome man in Nikki's eyes. She remembered his soft lips, how was good to feel them kissing you, how was wonderful to fall asleep in his arms and cuddle against his broad chest... And she betrayed Tahatan. Nikki lowered her head for short. What if he remembers what she did? But is it possible? Lakesha said anyone will not remember that... She had to be brave and try to talk to him. Tahatan is her family and she loves him. He is her best friend. He's worth it... Nikki mustered the courage and went through the dewy grass toward Tahatan.

- Good evening, - she smiled at him.

- Good evening, - he smiled at her back.

Nikki stood looking at Tahatan and not knowing what to say.

- I love you... - finally she said.

Nikki knew it could seem awkward to come and  confess in love just for nothing, but she said what she thought, so her words were sincere, a gentle smile appeared on Nikki's lips. 

Then Tahatan narrowed his brows and looked strictly and angrily at Nikki.

- It would be better if you'd keep your words for yourself as we both know they mean almost nothing!

- How? - Nikki felt like Tahatan just slapped her face.

- How? You know yourself how! One moment you love me and other you already reject me!

- I am sorry, Tahatan... - Nikki muttered feeling how tears press her throat. She really didn't expect such his reaction. - I don't want to reject you, I... In fact, I never wanted that... I really love you and I want to fix all my mistakes...

Tahatan gave a deep sigh.

- I would like to believe in you, Nikki... But you hurt me so many times... It's not easy to believe in someone's love when you feel needless.

- I... I... - Nikki's voice trembled. - I know I did horrible things, maybe even I'm not worth you, but... Please... - she wiped tears. - Let me prove you that I can be different...

Tahatan shook his head.

- Nikki... How many times we tried before?

- I don't know... Many times... - Nikki answered looking at Tahatan.

- And all they were only empty waste of time... 

- No... - Nikki didn't want to agree.

- No? I already started to think you hate me, Nikki. 

- You are wrong then!

- Wrong? Then what I have to think when you always reject me or offend me? Do you like to hate me? 

Nikki looked at Tahatan with teary eyes. His words hurt her, but Tahatan was right. She's never thought about it before... 

- I love you... That's all what I know, Tahatan, - she said silently.

- Do you know what is love, Nikki? - Tahatan asked looking at her eyes.

Nikki shook her head ignoring his ironical question.

- I'm very tired, so I'll go better, -she said wiping her tears, turned away and went to the tent leaving Tahatan alone.

Nikki cried like never before. All this conversation was so painful and hurt her so much. But maybe she needed it... And what did she hope? That Tahatan will pull her in his embrace only because she expressed him her fondness? She remembered how many times she was mean to him, so now she got what she was deserved. It was just so painful... But Nikki didn't want to give up. It's not tomorrow yet, but it will come soon and when she'll wake up she'll be quiet different Nikki than that one who stayed in the past.

3.31. One more chance

Suddenly Nikki felt she can't breathe longer. Something like the grip pinched her chest, her legs trembled in the weakness. She heard shouting Tahatan, saw his eyes frantic in fear, but she couldn't do anything. She dies. That's it. It's over.
- Tahatan... - her lips trembled without a sound.
Soon a strange murmur fell on her ears and the white fog covered around her everything. She heard people voices, and then everything turned into a strange humming bells, what once she heard when Nikki and her mother visited the temple, but it was a long time ago... How old was she then? Four? Five? Nikki's body collapsed on the floor. She couldn't move anymore, only two cold tears rolled down on her cheeks. The last tears. "Farewell, Tahatan..." - it was the last thought what crossed her mind. Then, as if someone shook her and she began to fall into the abyss.

***

She took a deep breath of air and opened her eyes. Nikki stood in the middle of the field surrounded by strange purple fog.
- Where am I? - Nikki looked around terrified, but here she was  quiet alone. Suddenly, panic-stricken she started jumping and waving hands. - Help me! Help me, please!

- You aren't alone, stop screaming like crazy! - she heard female voice.
Nikki gasped and turned around. A young woman stood before her. Her eyes were good, but now her glance was serious and strict.
- Who are you? - Nikki mumbled. - And where am I?
- Look at me better, girl... - A woman narrowed her eyes.
- Lakesha? Lakesha! - Nikki almost jumped in joy and rushed to hug a woman, but she stopped Nikki.
- Don't touch me. You aren't in the world where you are used to live.
Nikki looked at Lakesha surprised.
- Where are we then?
- You are almost dead, Nikki, - Lakesha looked at Nikki strictly. - If you'll touch me you'll stay with me in this world. If even I am not sure I should allow you return there...
- Why? - Nikki bit her own lip.
- Why?! You even dare to ask me why I took you?! - Lakesha raised her voice. - Just look what you did! You destroyed their lives, condemned to die that young guy! And why? Only for that man Kotori and your stupidity!

Nikki gave a deep sight and lowered her head.
- I know... - she whispered.

- What do you know? - Lakesha asked angrily. - Did I teach you to hurt and harm people?
- No...
- Did I teach you to be selfish?
- No...
- I asked you to bring love to these people as they suffered a lot in their past and what you have done, Nikki?
- I am very distressed because of what I did, my teacher and guardian... - Nikki said silently.

- Good... I am happy you didn't lose your heart, - Lakesha's voice softened. - So I had to stop you, my girl, and take you here, in the Spirits world.
- Will you forgive me, Lakesha? - Nikki sobbed. - I am feeling so dirty...

- I will as any mother forgives her daughter for her mistakes, - Lakesha smiled. - I'll give you one more chance to prove that you are worth to be shaman and live with the Blessing Moon tribe, but...
- But? - Nikki looked at Lakesha's dark eyes.
- You'll return there where you've not been wrong yet. It means you'll return to your past. It will be good for all and they'll not remember what you did and how you died, but here is something for what I have to warn you.
- And what is that?
- You'll remember everything what you did and others... If even they'll not remember those horrible things they had to survive, they will feel it, so some of your tribal people can be not so nice with you like they were before, - Lakesha smiled. - It's your punishment, Nikki. Be ready to pay for what you did. You'll have to prove you are worth their trust and love. It will not be easy to you, especially when you are so inclined to evil.

Listening to Lakesha Nikki felt relieved.
- I can change, my teacher, - she smiled. - I swear I'll prove you that I can be different!

- Don't swear me, Nikki! - Lakesha raised her hand looking strictly at her. - Words mean nothing if they don't become actions! It's your last chance, my girl! It's the only your chance! Keep it in your mind, Nikki!
- Yes... - Nikki nodded. - Thank you... Thank you for trusting me, my teacher and guardian...
- Don't thank me. I can change my mind any time, Nikki!
- One more question, Lakesha... - Nikki stopped her teacher. - That raven... Is it you?
Lakesha smiled.
- And what do you think, my silly child?
- I think, it's you...
- You'll get all answers when you'll learn your lessons and will get more wisdom.
Nikki wanted to say something more, but suddenly she felt so sleepy.
- I am tired...
- Of course, my child. Rest before your return to your past, - Lakesha smiled.
Nikki sat on the strange stone bench and looked one more time at her teacher and guardian. Lakesha started to sing. Her song was so gentle and reminded her lullaby. Nikki felt a child again and smiled. Sweet tiredness covered her so much that Nikki couldn't keep her eyes open longer. She lay on the bench and dipped into deep sleep.

3.30. Stikini

Nikki knew she made a big mistake and she was scared. She didn't want Suletu and Okomi to harm and it even wasn't her goal. She wanted only one - to prove Maat that Kotori is easily accessible and any woman can have him any time and anywhere. And yes... To be honest she wanted him so badly. She got him and had him in those bushes and she had to admit he was great lover, but... What now? Nothing. Nikki felt empty and felt horrible any time when she had go to sleep and lie down next to Tahatan, when she had to look at his eyes. And that raven. It haunted her wherever she was... Nikki always heard the same: "Tell the truth... Tell the truth"... But how? How to tell the truth and what truth she has to say? What about? About how she poisoned Okomi wanting to get Kotori and teach Maat "a valuable lesson"? How she cheated on Tahatan? From where she should begin? Nikki felt totally confused. A meditation was everything what she mostly did recently. She wanted to clear her soul and mind and find the answer what she should to do, but it didn't help.

Nikki avoided her children and Tahatan as she feared that they'll ask her to explain what means her weird behavior, but one day everything resolved by itself.
Tahatan caught her by her hand when she tried to pass by him unnoticed.
- Nikki, you'll not get rid of me, do you hear me? - he pulled her to himself. - Stop ignore me, please!
Nikki's heart started to beat like crazy.
- I... I... - she smiled not knowing what to say.
- Nikki, you drive me crazy... You are such... - Tahatan shook his head narrowing his eyes. - Sometimes I want to grab and shake you in anger, but I can't... I love you too much, Nikki, - he kissed her hand. - I love you and our kids more than my life.

Nikki knew that Tahatan says a truth. He loved her no matter how many times she was mean and hurt him, no matter how many times she rejected him. He loved her when she betrayed him. He loved her always... Suddenly Nikki felt how tears fill her eyes.
- I am sorry, Tahatan... - Nikki muttered.
- Are you crying? What's wrong? - Tahatan looked at her green eyes worried.
- I'm not worth your love, I'm not worth anything...
- What are you talking about? - Tahatan stepped back a bit.
- We have to talk, Tahatan...
- What about?
- Listen... I lied to you, Tahatan... I did many horrible things, - Niki's voice trembled.

- I don't understand...
- Listen to me, please...  If I'll not tell the truth now I'll never tell it more...
- Ok... - Tahatan nodded.
- So... It began before many suns and moons. I and Maat argued for Kotori. I was jealous of her as I... - Nikki fell her eyes. - I wanted Kotori, I desired him... After our quarrel I decided to teach her and... Then I started to prepare a food adding some herbs what stimulate a lust and unhealthy attraction to another person. If even you refuse to sleep with that person you want all the time to be with him or her, you'll be totally addicted. You'll not need any rest, any food, almost anything, except your love object.

- Unfortunately, Okomi also ate this food and he ate it too much... These verbs are poisonous... And I'm afraid he'll die soon.
Tahatan stared at Nikki not wanting to believe in her words.
- And... Did you... with my brother? - he asked silently.
- Yes... - Nikki nodded. - I did...

- Oh no! Why did you do that, Nikki?! Why?! - he shouted covering his face and bursting in tears.
- I am stikini, your brother was right... - Nikki muttered watching Tahatan. - I don't want to be evil, but I am...
- Go out, woman! Go away and leave me alone! - Tahatan cried yelling angrinly at Nikki.
Nikki stood looking at him and feeling how the ground slips under her feet. "I am dead..." - she thought. "- I wish I was dead..."