3.32. It hurts

Nikki found herself sitting at the fire. It was a deep night and it seemed the stars shone much brighter than ever. She's alive and she can breathe! Nikki laughed happily.

Was it a dream? No... It wasn't a dream and Nikki knew it very well. She was almost dead and she was in Spirits world where she met Lakesha.

- Lakesha... - Nikki said her teacher's name gently. - Thank you... I'll keep my promise to you... - she nodded looking around.

If even she couldn't see Lakesha, Nikki knew she watches her. But maybe Nikki is already dead and what she's seeing now it's just the last remembrances about her life in the Blessing Moon tribal camp? No, it can't be a dream. Wenona, her brother Noel and Kotori are too real for the world of dreams... It was so good to hear them talking and laughing. Nikki wanted to come to them and hug them all, but she didn't dare. She remained to kneel down by the fire and watched them from the distance. 

 "Where are others?" - she asked herself in her mind."- It's pretty late, so probably all are sleeping..." But nobody else she didn't want to see like Tahatan and her children. Perhaps it was the first time when Nikki felt how much strong she loves them all, how much she needs them... They were her world. It's sad she didn't realize it before. Nikki gave a deep sigh. But isn't she here for fixing her mistakes? Nikki rose to her feet and started to look around. Soon she noticed Tahatan running on treadmill. Tall, strong and muscular, his bronze skin shone of the bear fat in the dark. He was most handsome man in Nikki's eyes. She remembered his soft lips, how was good to feel them kissing you, how was wonderful to fall asleep in his arms and cuddle against his broad chest... And she betrayed Tahatan. Nikki lowered her head for short. What if he remembers what she did? But is it possible? Lakesha said anyone will not remember that... She had to be brave and try to talk to him. Tahatan is her family and she loves him. He is her best friend. He's worth it... Nikki mustered the courage and went through the dewy grass toward Tahatan.

- Good evening, - she smiled at him.

- Good evening, - he smiled at her back.

Nikki stood looking at Tahatan and not knowing what to say.

- I love you... - finally she said.

Nikki knew it could seem awkward to come and  confess in love just for nothing, but she said what she thought, so her words were sincere, a gentle smile appeared on Nikki's lips. 

Then Tahatan narrowed his brows and looked strictly and angrily at Nikki.

- It would be better if you'd keep your words for yourself as we both know they mean almost nothing!

- How? - Nikki felt like Tahatan just slapped her face.

- How? You know yourself how! One moment you love me and other you already reject me!

- I am sorry, Tahatan... - Nikki muttered feeling how tears press her throat. She really didn't expect such his reaction. - I don't want to reject you, I... In fact, I never wanted that... I really love you and I want to fix all my mistakes...

Tahatan gave a deep sigh.

- I would like to believe in you, Nikki... But you hurt me so many times... It's not easy to believe in someone's love when you feel needless.

- I... I... - Nikki's voice trembled. - I know I did horrible things, maybe even I'm not worth you, but... Please... - she wiped tears. - Let me prove you that I can be different...

Tahatan shook his head.

- Nikki... How many times we tried before?

- I don't know... Many times... - Nikki answered looking at Tahatan.

- And all they were only empty waste of time... 

- No... - Nikki didn't want to agree.

- No? I already started to think you hate me, Nikki. 

- You are wrong then!

- Wrong? Then what I have to think when you always reject me or offend me? Do you like to hate me? 

Nikki looked at Tahatan with teary eyes. His words hurt her, but Tahatan was right. She's never thought about it before... 

- I love you... That's all what I know, Tahatan, - she said silently.

- Do you know what is love, Nikki? - Tahatan asked looking at her eyes.

Nikki shook her head ignoring his ironical question.

- I'm very tired, so I'll go better, -she said wiping her tears, turned away and went to the tent leaving Tahatan alone.

Nikki cried like never before. All this conversation was so painful and hurt her so much. But maybe she needed it... And what did she hope? That Tahatan will pull her in his embrace only because she expressed him her fondness? She remembered how many times she was mean to him, so now she got what she was deserved. It was just so painful... But Nikki didn't want to give up. It's not tomorrow yet, but it will come soon and when she'll wake up she'll be quiet different Nikki than that one who stayed in the past.