3.17. Nikki: "I am the night"

I am Nikki North, a daughter of royal scholar Anya North. As my mother lived in queen's palace I and my twin brother Noel were raised by shaman Lakesha who came from western lands. It were happy days what will never return... She taught me love every flower, listen the trees and voices of birds in the forest. Life in the Blessing Moon tribe always reminds me about Lakesha. I've never seen her angry. "You are a little grey cloud, Nikki", - she always said me when I was upset. When I became older Lakesha told me that spirit of the night lives in me and one day I should hear its voice. Now I see that Lakesha was right. I am the night and my brother is bright like a sunny morning. I guess it's why I love him so much. He doesn't know how many things I learned from him watching how he had to defend himself against women in our tribe. Noel was smart and brave boy when I always tried to hide in the shadow or behind Lakesha's back. I'm not coward, but I didn't feel safe when I was a child. Now I have children myself and I swear I'll never leave my daughters as I know how it's hard to live without mother. They are my treasure.
Senia is very active just like her father and she's very wise for her age.

Inara is.... Well, she has a lot of me and sometimes I don't feel good seeing how she treats her sister. She is being mean sometimes.

It's good to see both girls older and to know that I am with child again. Tahatan accepted the news very joyful, he almost jumped in happiness like kid.

It's just me... I know that I am not perfect. Sometimes I want to sew my mouth... and just to be different than I am, but I can't... I fear people. When they want to get closer to me I always step back. I want to defend myself and hide. I know it's bad, but it is what I am. I am loner and I would feel better living with wolves in the forest than being surrounded by people. And honestly sometimes I really want that - to run in the woods, but I'll not do that. I am mother and I am shaman, so I have duties.

Tahatan is special person. He can stand me and my oddities, he wants to have children with me and raise them together. He loves me and always reminds me silently that I am important to him.

Honestly, I've never thought that I will have children with man and we will raise them together... It wasn't easy to me to get used to that fact that men can be so free and confident like here, in the Blessing Moon tribe. And I confess I was amazed when I saw them dancing half naked around the bonfire, talking free to their creator, laughing them all together. Men in my native tribe didn't dare to say any word if they weren't asked. Some women even scolded me if they caught me playing with Noel, but I didn't give up them saying that he is my brother twin, they can't forbid me to be with him! Now I realize I did right. What would I do without Noel now? He was first who noticed the Blessing Moon tribe's camp, he helped me many times...  And Tahatan is a second man after Noel. He believes in me. And when I hurt him he sits and talks to me. He always find the right and kind words. I don't know why he is so patient with me. I wouldn't be...

I am the night. The grey sky before the storm on a hot summer day. Mostly I'm not able to see the light in darkness, but I am lucky that I am surrounded by people who always give me at least a little of that light they have inside them.