3.22. Suletu: lonely, sad and jealous

My name is Suletu. My parents weren't originally from Blessing Moon tribe, but they gave me a name according to the Blessing Moon tribe traditions. My name means "flies, to fly around" and I really feel like I am flying. I always fly somewhere or I did it before... I was carefree child who never cared what will happen tomorrow. I always far from reality and even didn't think that someday I'll be punished and... I'll lose almost everything. Yes, I remember how mother told me that one day I'll be Moon Maiden and will live in Nanina's Temple where I'll learn many things. Mother always said me that there I'll be happy, but honestly I've never wanted to live in Nanina's Temple and leave my home, my parents, Okomi, Wenona and her brothers... I knew they envied me although they never talked about it. I had parents, they were orphans. I saw a pain in their eyes although my parents loved them like their real children... However, I... Sometimes I enjoyed quietly that I am so lucky. I was the youngest and it felt so good. Now I understand that I was selfish, but then... Then I was just a little girl what wanted to get all attention and love. And then my parents died together with the old world. Nanina punished me just like that night. Perhaps because I avoided Moon Maiden's life in the temple and always wanted to have more than I had. I'm not fighter, I am not warrior if even Wenona taught me that. I am just a girl who fell in love with her childhood friend... Is it bad? I wanted to love and enjoy my life. But they speak about the traditions and how it's important. They took from us our dignity... And I even don't know what is better - to lose your baby or to lose your dignity as woman or man? But baby grew inside me making me throw up again and again... All these months were marked by deep sadness and my bad health. And solitude. I felt so alone... Like never before.

I didn't want to have baby. I guess it's a sign that I'm not good mother. I had a son named Halian. It means "youthful, young".  I like babies and kids, but... I think to be mother isn't easy. All these sleepless nights make you not only tired... You feel like dead. In all meanings.

Okomi still doesn't talk to me. He avoids me... It hurts me so much. Yes, he was right, it happened too early. Maybe he is angry on me? But why? Shouldn't we support each other? That night when Wenona punished us was the last time when we talked. And they all enjoy themselves and their babies... Shaman Nikki and Tahatan had twins again. Now they had two sons Anoki and Atohi. Tahatan was on the cloud nine.

Anoki and Atohi will grow up soon and my son is still in the crib. Well, Halian is also Okomi's son. I hope he comes to him when I am not around. Chatan, Kotori and Maat son, already is a boy. He is smart like his mother and even has her red hair and blue eyes.

Kotori loves his son so much. If even he isn't a good person he loves children. I think I am worse than Kotori.

When was born his daughter Tama he cuddled her and talked to her so gently. Kotori is great father. I wasn't so happy when I had Halian. His birth took all my energy from me.

But not everything is so bad. I always smile when I see how Tahatan scolds his daughters or teaches them some valuable lesson. It's not because I enjoy their quarrel, it's because it warms me inside. He knows how to talk to children, it's so funny. I am learning how to be better to my son than I am.

And such moments when I see Maat, Kotori and their little boy talking to Wenona... I feel bad. It's not because I am jealous. I am not... It's just... I miss something. Maybe I miss Okomi... Maybe I miss that part of me what was taken from me. I don't know...

And still... If I'll not say that I'll not be honest with myself.
I am jealous.
Yes, I am. If I even I won't admit it.
Okomi avoids me, but he never forgot to talk to Maat. I see them often together. I feel weird... It's like I am a shadow and she means much more than I. But who cares about the shadows?

I don't know what to think. I don't know what I should expect from the future and my fate, where I am going... Everything had to be different, however, it is as it is. I ruined my life and I am afraid that things will get even worse in time.